I feel loved…

“Let’s see where the journey is taking us”, are the words that I uttered just moments before I sit down writing this. Wow, what a statement of my surrendering to the Mystery of life, for which my soul has always yearned for. My soul desires this state of being, this passion, as it is where it can once more feel the ecstatic embrace of its oneness with God. Here where earthly chaos is the order that makes sense to the lover’s madness, herein must be the state in which Rumi, the lover, through the poetry of the soul explains: “If this is madness, then sanity pales in insignificance”. Herein my polarity and my temporary illusion of duality once more passionately come to the resolution of my divine feminine and masculine qualities. Herein opposites attract as I finally look into the mirror of my desire, I am looking back at myself.

Now I know that God cannot be found in the order of my intellect that will always be bound by the puritan views and conditioned beliefs of society. I now realize that the fear of my dark desires, my shadow/s is the warden of my imprisonment, the keeper of the keys that unlock me, when I turn that key inside and “get in the moment where love is the feeling”, I am free. As long as I choose not to know all of who I am, I will be a lesser child of God.

My yearning, my deepest and darkest desires for this ecstasy, once imprisoned by my ego and cleverly barred by the feelings of guilt and shame is now free from the illusion, woken up to the truth that the prison walls are never there, never beyond my choice, my beautiful and powerful free will. I now see that my insistence to choose a world I think I can control, a world of order, has become the very choice to throw away the keys that lock me away, where I suffer only because I choose to submit to my ego’s need for survival, its lesser value of myself that would rather have me locked away in the medieval dungeon of yesterdays memories, because it is what I think I know, than face the incredible power of who know I am right now.

Soon, I know the ego will rear its ugly little incessant head and this time I will be waiting right here in the moment of now, and I will catch it, as I will be awake to the thoughts and emotions, that will only be allowed for a little while, so I can gratefully receive their gifts and then move forward beyond the illusion that they temporarily present and once more experience the TRUTH that there is no separation with the God-force, which is NOW, always within.

I lost God in the lifeless boredom, the bound logic and critical condemnation of my religion and now I find God in the ecstasy of Spirit. As with Depeche Mode, I now know – even in the Dark Night of the Soul – my sweet desire is calling me, so that regardless the illusion of pain and suffering, “I feel loved”.